Healing After Divorce

When my divorce was final and the judge announced that I would return to my maiden name, I felt a joy of redefining who I was.  That was quickly followed by a sorrow unlike any I had ever felt before. Like someone had just died.  Well truth be told, not someone but something just had. My marriage was gone and buried and officially over. Unlike the happiness of the wedding vows that were celebrated 9 years earlier, now no one was there.  Just my now ex-husband and I and a document that said the last 9 years didn’t matter.  At least that’s how I felt. This document also labeled my son as property of the state of Colorado. “Property” and no longer mine, well not completely anyway.  The state gave me full custody but it still felt so cold.  Unlike the day my son was born, this presentation of my child into my care felt so evil.  There’s a good reason for that.  It was evil. The entire process and thought of divorce is evil. Arguments, contracts, worry and the death of something that before God promised to last forever was now dead.

Those aren’t just feelings that go away quickly. Even when the desire or your spouse dissipates, the hurt, confusion and struggle continue. How does one heal after divorce? That is such a loaded question and one that is answered differently by many people. The common conception is that after a divorce each individual typically goes off the edge for a while.  Sewing wild oats if you will.  Living the life they felt that they were taken from during their marriage.  For others it is to quickly jump back into another marriage for fear of being alone.  There is not one magic recipe for healing, but I will tell you that all of the above is toxic to healthy healing.

Your healing will depend on your circumstance.  It will depend on whether or not you have kids and if your ex will be in your “every other weekend” life or your “day to day” or not at all. The pain of your divorce will last a long time.  It will hurt like crazy but it is really important to stay single for a while.  That timeline will be different for everyone but you need to rediscover who you are in Christ and in a healthy way.

I began journaling, reading scripture and taking notes. I began spending time with girlfriends who would lift me up and be good godly examples to me.  It was painful to exist around married friends, but it was vital to understanding good, godly marriages. To see the reality that every marriage struggles, but the discovery was in how those around me handled their issues in healthy ways. This was very important should I ever find myself in another relationship.

I believe that God blesses a persistent heart. One that craves to know truth and to live according to scripture. Learning to do that in your healing process is key. It takes time and energy. But for now if you are in your early stages of healing, just rest in Him. Rest in His love. He loves you more than anyone can and He loves your children more than you do.  They will be okay.


Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
Revelation 21:4

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